Moving Apartment

It seems like ages since I posted anything and Swiss James has been begging me so here goes.

The main problem has been that I’m in the middle of moving apartment. I actually moved at the end of last week but it’s still chaos in my new place and I have no internet yet so it’s difficult to post anything.

Hopefully my internet connection should be up by Thursday and normal service will be resumed (take deep breaths in the meantime James).

Anyway, here’s a random photo of a painting in a restaurant I took last week when I was drunk, the painting was titled “Darth Vader bothering some swans on a farm”.

“PAH! Your puny wings are insignificant next to the power of the force!!”

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A Pair of Rumpty Fizzers

You’re never short of something to blog of in Shanghai. Today I had nothing, so I popped my camera in my pocket when I went for lunch and sure enough, within about 2 minutes of leaving my apartment I spotted a splendid young chap wearing the finest pair of trousers I think I’ve ever seen.

If my uncle had been here he’d have said they were a pair of Rumpty Fizzers or maybe a pair of Bobby Dazzlers, mind you he’d probably have thought the guy was a Sugar Bertie and clipped me round the ear for wearing shorts that came to my knees.

Anyway, here’s some pictures, I guarantee this is the most feminine fabric you will ever see on a man..

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Charades

She was already at the bar when we arrived, writing on her notepad and occasionally ripping pieces off and putting them into a bag.

We ordered our beer and wandered across, she’d volunteered at a local OAP home since our first year, she was to spend the day there at the weekend and was organising activities, “charades” she said. I offered to help and took a sheet of paper and a pen; “songs or movies” she said.

I wrote down three, tore them off and put them into the bag; “Knocking on Heaven’s Door” and “Stairway to Heaven” came to me immediately, “Urotsukidoji; Legend of the Overfiend” took a few seconds longer, something to keep the old blighters on their toes.

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Japanese Toilets

The toilets in Japan are nothing short of amazing, heated toilet seats, inbuilt deodorisers, noise generators to disguise the fact that you are laying bum-spuds (something which shouldn’t come as a complete surprise to the casual observer who sees you going into a cubicle, whistling and carrying a newspaper) and a drinking fountain.  Yes, you heard me right, a drinking fountain!

Robotoilet

Robotoilet - Turn on, Tune in, Drop out

Basically, when a gentleman is going for a “standing evacuation” you press one of the buttons on the side on the control panel and with a mechanical whirr a pipe appears and delivers a jet of fresh water straight to your mouth. Well, except in my case it was poorly set and delivered the water directly onto my chest, fortunately I was naked (calm down girls) so no great disaster. I noticed a pressure adjuster and with a few clicks was able to lift the jet towards my thirsty mouth. It was a tad warm for my liking but I guess that’s how the locals like it

Toilet drinking fountain

Toilet Drinking Fountain

One thing I found a bit odd is that the toilet seat has to be down for the fountain to work, normally when I’m standing I’ll put the seat up so I don’t sprinkle it, bit of a design flaw if you ask me..

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night about this miracle of Japanese engineering, she was equally impressed, she described it as “an eloquent display of gaijin barbarism”, I’m not really sure what she mean’t but I can tell she was impressed.

Other stuff:

Japanesish view from my hotel room

Japanesish View from my Hotel Room

Don't ask, it's probably "bad for the health

Don’t Ask, it’s Probably “Bad for the Health” or Something

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The Rising Sun

So I’m in Japan right now, it’s a strange place to get used to after China, the streets are spotless, the people next to me on the train are having a whispered conversation which I wouldn’t know was happening if I couldn’t see their lips moving, people line up on the platform in neat lines and wait for everyone to exit before they enter the train one by one and men pay large amounts of money just to talk to women.

Something typically Japanese happening in Japan (Nagoya to be exact) last night

My Chinese colleague doesn’t like the place, “it is TOO clean” he says, “it is not personal”, he can only smoke in certain areas and has to put the butt in the street ashtrays, this is “very inconvenient”.

One thing I really like out here is the road works, outside our office in Japan they’re fitting out a coffee shop, everything is boarded up and does not impinge on the pavement but they still employ two guys to stand at either end of the boarded up building to apologise profusely about the inconvenience and advise on how to best proceed past the works.

Apologising profusely to someone exiting the building

“Almost safe now, just a few more steps sir, you’re doing REALLY well!!”

Next to the road, leaning on the bollards, you can see two red batons, they normally use these to wave at passers-by and indicate the correct path to take. Actually there is a small blade inside each of these, if a pedestrian is too inconvenienced by the roadworks both streetworkers commit immediate ritual suicide to restore face.

Tomorrow - Japanese toilets

UPDATE:

Sushi!!! HAI !!!!

Surely these just all rattle against each other every time there’s an earthquake?

Hermetically sealed building work

Note the amount of effort to completely seal the work from the street, even the most minor gap is sealed up with tape and the boards have been perfectly cut around the steps. It’s pretty much watertight, If they get a water leak in there all the staff are basically going to drown.

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National Pride

One of my colleagues once asked me if I was proud to be British

“Yes, of course” I replied, “are you proud to be Chinese?”

“Yes” he said, “why are you proud to be British?”

“I’m not sure” I said, “why are you proud to be Chinese?”

“Because we have the atom bomb”

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Dan’s Old Farmhouse

So there’s this bar on Julu Lu called Dan’s Old Farmhouse and they have this homebrew concoction called Black Pig. I have no idea what’s in it, it tastes a bit like liquorice mixed with petrol, but it does you proper fine and dandy.

This week one of my good friends (who doesn’t like to be named on the internet but let’s call him John for the sake of argument) agreed to demonstrate the potency of this brew, see the evidence below:

Several Black Pigs:

The normal, shy disposition has disappeared, bongo playing proficiency increased 100 fold, mouth permanently open ready for more Black Pig. You can also observe the effects on Swiss James in the video at around the 46 second mark, drooling like a baby.

A couple more:

Coherency still good, now moved on to playing air guitar and hurling abuse at the bar staff for playing the wrong music.

A couple more

Yeah, that’ll do it.

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Modern Haunts

It seems that ghosts in China are no longer content to spook people in decrepit ancient houses and graveyards. Also,  with the old areas in Shanghai being torn down at a rapid rate they’re rapidly finding themselves homeless in large numbers, the word on the street is that they officially want in on the property boom in Shanghai.

To combat this, every time someone moves into a new apartment they let off firecrackers to scare the ghosts away (try shouting BANG next time you’re haunted by a ghostly apparition in your bedroom and you’ll see how effective this ploy is).

Unfortunately, when you’re living in a new apartment complex this basically means someone’s going to be letting them off every day, or every Saturday and Sunday to be exact, generally at around 9 am, which is still the middle of the night as far as I’m concerned.

Anyway, here’s a video clip I took today of how this deafening exorcism proceeds, apparently part of the ritual is to almost blow your hands off with the big ones.

Edit: Actually, I’d be amazed if there are any ghosts left in Shanghai after this:


40,000 firecrackers in ten seconds

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Remembering Mitsy

I pulled into her driveway and stopped the car. Should I keep the engine running?

I looked across at her, our eyes met, she was smiling. Her parents were away she said, she was all alone, it was late, I should rest a while, would I like to come inside and meet her dogs?

I nervously fumbled with my seatbelt and followed her to the door. Would I know what to do when the time came?

The butterflies in my stomach grew restless, I suddenly needed the bathroom, she would meet me in the lounge she said.

As I entered the lounge she was leaning on the fireplace. How does this work, should I sit on the sofa where she can sit next to me?

For the first time I thought of the dogs, the familiar smell was not there and I’d heard no scratching, ‘where are the dogs’ I asked. As I spoke the words I saw that she was clutching something wooden to her chest.

I stepped towards her and noticed another two identical objects atop the mantlepiece.

She opened the urn, “This is Mitsy” she said.

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Little Soldier

I just bought two dozen boxes of these from my corner shop, I’m going to take them all in one go and see what happens.

update: translation -

American Big Soldier, helps to erect/enlarge

you can see the effectiveness in ten minutes / the long gun will never fall down / extremely powerful

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